I'm not sure I can take it anymore!

Here it is Friday morning, Ryan is getting paid today and I have very little on my work load. You would think I would be happy, right? WRONG! I am tired and an emotional wreck. I just can't seem to shake this "why me?" mentality that I have. I'm just so confused and upset and distraught that I don't even know where to begin to get myself together. I keep telling myself to "shape up!", but it just isn't working. I know better than to get down on myself, but I still do it every stinken day. Will I ever get better?

I went to the doctor today, for my yearly check-up, and was kind of hoping that she would give me something to cheer myself up. She didn't. She thinks that I'm "normal" and that this too shall pass. What if she isn't right? What if I'm doomed to a life with no children? Would God really do that too me? I'm beginning to think that he would. The question still remains though, why? Am I that terrible of a person that I don't deserve to be a mother? Did I do something wrong when I was younger? Did I wait too long to start to have kids? I don't even know where to begin to put my feelings in order. I keep coming to the same place in my life, the same fork in the road, and don't know which path to take or where to turn. The road is vacant and there is no one there to direct me and I am lost. How pathetic does that sound?

I am midway through my cycle right now and I think that is part of my problem. I am due for AF next Saturday. The holiday's are approaching and I really wanted to make the surprise "guess who's pregnant?" annoucement. Looks like that isn't going to happen. I have to take this cycle off, after undergoing 6 consecutive IUI attempts, due to 2 huge cysts on my right ovary. We go back to the doctor on the 30th to see what the plan of attack will be. I don't want to undergoe IVF, it is way too expensive and we can't afford it. Plain and simple, if that is our only option for being parents then it ain't going to happen.