March?

I can't believe that it is going to be March 1 tomorrow. Where has the year gone? I just looked at the calender and spring break starts in 1 month. I can't believe it. Time is sure flying. I feel like I just started this whole ttc journey, and tomorrow marks month 25. As I type this I find myself in tears. I'm upset because I feel like it will never happen, we have been trying now for 25 months, I can feel my eggs growing (the meds make my ovaries tender and my lower back sore) and I'm wondering if one of those eggs will be a newborn, that my husband loves me enough that he is willing to endure this process until I can't take it anymore or we are successfull, I was looking at T-shirts announcing pregnancy and wondering if I will be able to buy one for easter. Is that enough reasons to cry? I'm sure I can come up with a few more. The only one that seems legit to me is the fact that I have a wonderful husband who loves me and gives me the strength to keep going month after month. I don't know how some of you can do this on your own. I can't even muster up the courage to look at a pregnancy test after I have piddled on it anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really strong enough to keep going. Just last month I was gun ho about trying again.....and now I'm just plain scared to death. I can't keep doing this. Maybe it is just the meds making my hormones go all wacko on me. I just keep looking at everything, trying to grasp for straws and finding the reasons why it should finally work for us. Not only the facts about Ryan's family all getting pregnant in February, but the fact that I was supposed to start my period on February 18 and I held out until the 22nd, giving me a due date of November 29. I never thought I was a superstitious, and often used to tease my grandma because she is. She puts pennies in her shoes that she finds on the ground, but only picks them up if the penny is heads up. Now I find myself searching for any glimpse of a sign that I can find. I can't help but dwell on the what if's. Why will this time work and the other 7 didn't? Why does this have to hurt so much? My mom tells me not to dwell on it, not let it consume my life so much, but that is easier said than done. I yearn, long, ache to be a mom. I want to hear the newborn cry in the middle of the night, feel a baby moving inside of me, go for the ultrasound that shows a beating heart in my womb. Am I crazy? I feel better now that I have let some of my emotions go. I have decided to not tell any of my close friends that we are going ahead this month. It just gets too hard listening to them tell me I'm pregnant, when I know I'm not. I want to be able to surprise people and then not have the "so, are you?" at the end of the month. Now that I have put myself into a really sad mood, I think I will sign off for the day. I go for my ultrasound tomorrow to see how my eggies are doing and will find out the date of the IUI. If it is Tuesday, March 6 I will go nutso. That is the day of my dad's birthday. Just my luck that will jinx me.

Isn't the snow pretty.....NOT!

We got snow again. I just can't believe it. We are supposed to get more snow again this weekend. Will it ever end? The snow we got last night was sloppy and sticky and left this mushy crap behind. It is just gross! I do have to say that some of it was pretty....glistening on the trees. I'll put up a few pictures now that I'm a posting foul. This is our back yard....you can see how the snow stuck to the trees. Sometimes I find myself in awe and couldn't imagine living without the snow....but then again we have had snow on the ground since the end of December and I'm tired of having to clean my car off. I just thought I could put away the snow scrapper, and if I would have looked at th forecast, I would have known better. We are supposed to get snow again this week into the weekend. There is one good thing though, our temps are at or above freezing. No more arctic front! YEAH!When I left my driveway this morning I did have a beautiful shot of the road and just couldn't resist taking a picture of the snow covered trees and roadway. We live at the end of the street, so the snow plows don't come down our road too often. The big white blob at the end fo the roadway is a local lake that leads out to Lake Michigan. I'll have to post a spring picture of a barge coming through. That really is the cool part of living by the lake.I love the drive down my road all year. It is just beautiful. We bought our house in the neighborhood where Ryan grew up. I actually grew up on the otherside of town.....the part where the good stores are (Target, Wal-Mart, the mall) and now we are 30 minutes from all the fun. There isn't a stop light on our half of town.....we live in the ritzy neighborhood.....La Ti Da!

I started my shots on Saturday. Ryan has once again assumed the role of Trigger man and I have to say it is one that he still enjoys a little too much. I go for an ultrasound again on Thursday and am expecting to have insemination done either Monday or Tuesday. Our doctor only does 1 IUI instead of 2. I'm not sure why, but that is what they do. I'm very hopeful that this one will take. Luck is on our side. My dad's birthday is the day I expect to have my IUI and Ryan's family had a bunch of November babies. His mom and her 2 sisters all had boys in the month of November...then one got pregnant and ended up with a girl in September. Hopefully some of that luck will rub off. I haven't looked at our EDD yet, but I have a cousin and uncle born on November 29 and Ryan has a brother and cousin born on that day too. I don't think we are too far off....I started my period on February 22.......someone else look up our EDD for me...I just can't do it!

Cycle Day 1.....and my furry babies!

So here it is. The day I have waited all week for......cd1. I'm relieved that I finally got my period. I was only 5 days late again. Everyone kept telling me to test, and I just knew that I wasn't, so I didn't test. I find it weird that I didn't pee on every stick in my house, because I am quite the addict when it comes down to it. I have decided to take another approach during this, one of faith, and dig deep down to find my inner strength. I will get through this and I will come out on top. Please remind me of that in the next couple of weeks when I need a kick in the pants. I know that I will be right there again, thinking that I won't be a mom and all of those other lovely down in the dumps feelings that I get, each and every cycle. I have to say though that I'm scared to death. I'm scared to start the shots again, I'm scared to go to my appointment tomorrow and I'm even more scared to get my period in 28 days. Will the fear ever go away? Probably not, but one can hope.

Moving on to more fun things...I'm going to post a picture of each of my babies. When we moved in to our house, we packed up the neighbors cat and brought him with us. They weren't taking care of him, so he decided to run away and become my baby. Boy is he a momma's boy. He doesn't leave me alone, ever. Every morning when I shower, he sits on the back of toliet and waits for me to get done. Sometimes he even walks the ledge of the tub, crying until I tell him good morning. It is quite a sight. He is the lighter grey cat. We loveingly call him chunkie, but his real name is Tiger. The calico with him is our little Kallie Jo. She is a cat that we got after we bought our house. She is the niece to Tiger. Yeah, the lady we stole Tiger from doesn't know we have him. She thinks an animal got Tiger.....sure, an Amy animal.

Kallie Jo is one of the funniest cats I have ever had. As you can tell by the picture, Kallie thinks she needs treats all the time. She loves to play with those little fuzzy craft balls. She thinks they are little animals and growls when she gets them in her mouth. She is a stitch to have around. She actually has little thumbs, and she uses them to grab ahold of things. Kallie Jo has a twin brother named Karbyn. He looks like Tiger, but is darker. He is the hunter. He loves to jump and climb and pounce on his brother and sister. They are so funny.

When Karbyn and Kallie Jo fight it is like WWF smackdown in my living room. If I ever tape it, I will put it on here because it is so darn funny! Can you just tell I'm going to be one of those moms that does nothing but brag about her kiddos. I know....GAG ME!

There is a big bright object in the sky!

Wait, yes, I think I know what it is......I haven't seen it in awhile, but yes I think that it is the sun? It couldn't be, could it? The sun hasn't been out in at least 2 months. The birds were singing this morning, the house was lit with sunlight, the cats were happy and all was great......until I stepped out the door and almost landed on my buns. Let's just say the sun is nice from inside, because outside everything that melted yesterday is now ice. Good golly miss molly it is still cold! I'm going to try this picture thing...I'm hoping I can handle it. First let's narrate.....

I just love my husband. He is the greatest! I didn't know what to expect from him for Valentine's Day, I had just guessed a Willow tree figurine. The only reason I guessed that was because the night before he studied my collection very closely, making sure that he looked at every figurine, not missing one. I open up the first box and it is a beautiful angel, holding a read heart. A heart for heart day! He told me that he thought this fit the occassion. He was right, he gave me his heart for valentine's day. Not expecting anything else, we usually don't celebrate the little holidays like others do. I think that sometimes they get blown out of proportion and you end up spending way more than you need too. I"m a simple girl who doesn't need too much.....well ok, just a baby.....but moving on. That wasn't all he gave me. The next one he told me was special and was a good luck charm that I had needed for awhile, and he was sorry he hadn't done it sooner. He made me cry before I even openned it. The title on the box was called "A New Beginning." He said it represented our family and the things that were to come for us. Just when I thought he didn't love me, he throws me off guard. I didn't know what too say. He couldn't have gotten me a better gift. When I married him, I knew he wasn't the sentimental type, who would romance me all the time, but I knew that every now and then I would get him to do something sweet and sappy. When I gave him my gift I felt like a jerk....all I had was a gift certificate for a fishing license. Whoopie! I have to say I have never felt so loved in all my life. He made me feel like he wants this to happen for us as much as I do. Now we are just waiting for af to show her head so we can start our shots and hopefully our last IUI for a few years.

Happy heart day!

Happy heart day everyone! I can feel the love in the air today....ok well maybe I'm hoping I can. I work in a Middle School and lets just say they think they know what love is. I decided to be different today and not dress in Red...I wore aqua. I think that I'm the only one too. I sure hope that Ryan has something nice for me today. Knowing him, I'm sure he has nothing. We have to go and pay our taxes afterschool today....sounds romantic, huh! Then I'm making him his favorite dinner, homemade lasagna, cheesy potatoes and strawberry shortcake. Aren't I a good little doobie? I also got him a gift certificate to get his fishing license. I have been saving my pennies, that he didn't know about, and used them on him. I also wrote on the gift certicate "ONLY GOOD FOR PURCHASING A FISHING LICENSE" to tease him not to use it on tackle. He told me I couldn't get any more scrapbooking (he calls it crapbooking) stuff, so no more tackle for him. I can play that game! I gently reminded him of the cute little flower store on his way home, and he told me no flowers because the cats eat them. Hello....earth to Ryan, I have an office. Sometimes they just don't think. I heard the funniest joke the other day:

A husband asked his wife, "How could God make you so beautiful and stupid at the same time?" She responded, without missing a beat, "He made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me and stupid so I would be attracted to you."

Isn't that so true? I thought that was a really good joke. Ryan didn't find it funny, but that is nothing new.

I suprised my mom with flowers, her favorite candy and a big ol' pepsi. I firgured she could use them to get through her day. My mom and dad have been married forever...I swear. My mom was 17 when they got married and my dad was 22....now they are 53 and soon to be 58. Wow, seems like good ages to be refered to as granny and gramps to me. I can't believe that my parents are that old. I swear I was just a kid yesterday and now I'm trying to have one myself. Where have the last 30 years gone?

So very sick of the snow!

Will spring every come? I tell you....I'm so sick of winter. December was wonderful....the sun was out, no snow and it was almost like spring. Then bam, out of nowhere comes old man winter. I tell you, he must be really mad, because it has been snowing here for days. I don't think there is any end in sight. I just looked at our long range forecast.....there is snow in it everyday. I don't think we really need anymore....I think we have enough. I will have to post some pictures on here. I'm not too computer savy, so bear with me.

On a happier note, I should be starting my shots next week. I'm very excited about that. I can hardly wait. I just know this is going to be it for us. I had a dream last night, and I have to say it was very vivid, about me being preggers and Ryan putting his hand on my belly. We were laying in bed together and I told him to just wait, be patient and then boom....He jumped and said "I felt her!" Weird,huh? I think that I'm going to try and stay off of the chatrooms, etc. during my TWOH (two weeks of hell) this time. Everyother time I haven't, and I just think that I get my hopes up, only to have them crushed. That isn't fair to me. I need to stay positive, if possible. I'm also going to talk to the doc about taking progesterone supp during the 2ww. I figure it can't hurt. I don't think that I have ever had my progesterone tested. I want to make sure that if I get preggers, I stay that way. I'm not totally convinced that I wasn't last cycle. It was just like the early miscarriage I had back in October. Everything was the same.....cramps, sore bb's, moodiness, sleeplessness....I just think that maybe I was. Will never know though. I just want to make sure that I stay preggers. I also started taking a baby asprin and evening primrose oil everyday. I can tell a change in my mood with the evening primrose oil. I'm not nearly as emotional as I was just a couple of days ago. I feel good, which is surprising since I should be getting the old hag in the next couple of days.

I will work on getting pictures on this blog. If anyone has any suggestions...send them my way!

cd17

Today is cycle day 17 already. I can't believe it. By this time I would be obsessing and noting every symptom, praying it was pregnancy related. Now I'm just sitting back, waiting for the old hag to show her face so I can move on to try #8. I have to say that I am a little bit excited about this try. I need to be. This is the first time in a longtime I haven't felt the urge to POAS.

I am saddened, though, in a way right now. I keep telling myself that the next big family get together I will have an important announcement to make. First it was my birthday, then 4th of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's and then my mother-in-law's birthday. Now I have come to Easter and my grandma's 90th birthday. Am I normal? Am I the only one who keeps thinking of cool ways to tell people that we are expecting. I feel like I keep setting myself up for heartache. One of these times it will work, right? How much heartache can one go through before they go absolutely insane?

I was having a conversation with a friend the other day and he asked why we hadn't gone to adoption yet. I didn't even hesitate when I answered him. We have spent a boat load of money on trying to get preggers, don't get me wrong. I know that Ryan has thought about adoption, but I'm not ready yet. Not only am I not ready, I don't have to be a mom immediately. I'm not giving up on having a biological child yet. If money were the issue, and is kind of is, then adoption would be the easy way out. We would get a child, case closed. I have the need, urge, desire, want to be pregnant. Call it what you want, I have it. I long to be pregnant and feel a baby growing inside of me. I can't shake that feeling and just adopt. Maybe after we have 1 together, I will change my mind, but until then I can't. Is that selfish of me? I don't think so.

Anywho, we have so much snow in Michigan it isn't even funny. I will have to post some pictures from my digital. It is crazy how much we have. I can't believe it. There must be atleast 18 inches in spots. We just got dumped on and it doesn't look like there is an end in sight. We will get more this weekend. There is one good thing though, our windchill now is above zero. There for a few days it wasn't, so school was closed. All I have to say is SNOW DAY! I got to catch up on my soap's.....boy have I missed a lot!

Hugs to all!