Sorry.....I've been MIA....

As you can probably guess, it turns out I'm not pregnant afterall. I was so sure that I was pregnant, you can only imagine what the heartache was like for me. So, where does that leave me now? Good question, as I am really not sure. We are offically on a break right now. I can't keep going like this. Financially and emotionally, it has to stop for awhile. Ryan won't do IVF. He feels like we would be playing God if we did. I don't want to argue with him right now, because it isn't something that we have to decide right away. I think that we play God everyday. When we go on antibiodics for an infection, when we go on medicine for our blood pressure, choloresterol, etc. but I don't want to argue with him right now, so I just don't bring it up. I'm tired of the why me's and seeing everything on tv having to deal with pregnancy or having a family. I don't want to cry anymore and feel bad for myself. So I'm just going to love my husband and hope for the chance to be a mom someday. I can't control my destiny, so I'm going to enjoy the life I have. Anywho...I got a terrible cold. I ended up going home from work yesterday and slept the morning away.....I slept through Racheal Ray, Martha Stuart, the news, young and the restless and bold and the beautiful which is when Ryan called me. In real talk that is from 10:00 until 2:00 and then slept all night. I feel better this morning. I just can't shake this stupid cough I have. It is the kind that sounds like your ribs are rattling. My throat hurts from all the coughing. I hope that everyone is doing better than I am. Once I can shake this cough, I'll be good as new. Spring is coming and my tulips are coming up and life will go on.

I'm scared to death!

I'm so scared right now.....I don't even know how to put into words. I'm scared that it didn't work. I'm scared that I will be an absolute mess tomorrow when I get the beta results. Everything was perfect this time and I'm not sure that I can handle another rejection. I'm feeling sick to my stomach as I write this today.......I hate nerves. Ryan is going to meet me tomorrow at the lab to get my blood drawn. I have some errands to run, so that will help take my mind off of things......for a little while. The nurse told me that the symptoms I was experiencing were progesterone symptoms. Today I have to say I feel pretty darn good and that scares me too. I have a headache and a huge amount of cm. Not sure if that is good or not. My progesterone went in today, but then fell out when I went to the restroom. I didn't do another one, so I haven't really had a dose today. So you would think I wouldn't have any symptoms. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! Ok, I'm ready to cry...I'm signing off for now!

Don't light a match by me!

Ok, so there are 2 ways to take that. The one you are thinking of isn't what I had in mind.....although it is true. What I was thinking of is the fact that my mom and I went to a bar last night to watch Big and Rich play. I came out smelling like a cheap whore who had a little too much to drink, even though I didn't drink a thing, and had smoked a carton of cigs. We got into my car last night not realizing how bad we smelled. I could smell it still this morning....it was stale, and gross and I'm sure last night it was much much worse. We had so much fun. We were right up in the front by the stage just singing away and snapping all sorts of pictures. What a blast we had! The kicker was that Big and Rich bought everyone in the bar a beer and I couldn't drink. It was all good. I gave my bud light to a guy that was standing by us, only after I had my picture taken with it though. I had to at least pretend that I was drinking. In the next few weeks I will get to have fun with that one, when I start scrapbooking those photos. Ryan called me last night, while I was there, and said not to stay too late because he didn't want all the smoke to hurt the baby. It wasn't all bad....I got there at 5:30 and didn't leave until 9:30. The 4 hours I was there wouldn't hurt the baby anyways. I'm sure that my body does a good job of filtering, and besides I wasn't actually smoking or drinking. Although I smelled like I had. What a couple we make. I smelled like a 6 pack and some smokes and Ryan smelled like he had showered in a bucket of fish. He had been out ice fishing while mom and I were partying. Needless to say our bedroom is going to need a stick-up and a mega size can of oust. Good thing he sleeps on his half and me on mine.

I'm feeling the same today as I did yesterday. The boobs aren't quite as tender and my stomach isn't cramping quite as bad as it was. When I was standing last night, I was cramping pretty good. I will ask for my beta on Friday because the doc is closed on Saturday and I'm not waiting until Monday for my results. I'm not sure I will poas, I'm scared that it will so "ha ha...gottcha didn't we!" I'm not sure I can take that again right now. I will just keep thinking I'm preggers until I find out different. I can wait a few more days, I've waited this long so far.


TTC Blinkies

UGH! Progesterone!

I'm not going to lie, I'm coming right out and saying it....I THINK I'M PREGNANT! This progesterone is giving me side effects like those from pregnancy. I have to say though, in the pit of my stomach, I feel pregnant. Maybe it is because I'm tired and want this to work so badly. I'm not sure what to think anymore. I just know that until I find out that I'm not preggers, I'm going to continue to keep acting like I am. Watching what I eat, not lifting and taking care of myself. Some women told me that these are all side effects of the progesterone, which is fine, but I'm just amazed that I would get all those from the progesterone. I'm not calling the doctor, I already know what they will say. They are going to tell me that it is too early to feel this way. I have just never had any gut feelings like I have this month. Everything was perfect and hadn't been yet. Oh, well. Stupid Fertility Friend moved my ovulation date to 3 days ago. Not even possible, screwy thing. I'll keep taking my temperature, in hopes that it will predict pregnancy. I'm scared to death to test. Isn't that just plain silly! Maybe I will break down and test on Friday, that will be 13dpiui and even that result could be wrong. Was does this all have to be so evil and hard, yet so addicting!?!

Earth to Amy? Are you there Amy?

Boy is that how I feel today. I am just forgetting everything. I forgot to take my progesterone this morning, so I had to run back home and quick take it. I just made it to the +/- 1 hour window. Thank goodness. This would be the one time I would be preggers and then of course not take it. I get back to my office and remember that I have to go to a school and pick up some stuff. That makes #2. I do science curriculum for our local school district and I just love my job. I implement new curriculum and work with the old stuff, trying to make things better. It is very flexible and I work well with the deadlines. It is fun and I'm not ready for a change yet. So anyhoo I pick the stuff up and head back to my office and sit down to start with some emails and remember that I had another teacher I needed to meet with. So back in my car I go, to the same school I just left 10 minutes ago, to say I'm sorry..I didn't forget you. Um, yeah.....that makes #3. Mind you it is only 10:30 here in Michigan and I have only been at work for 2 and 1/2 hours, so I'm on a roll. I am told, by family, that my hair was blonde when I was born. I never believed them, and will deny that until I die. It must be the progesterone I'm on. The stuff is making me forget things like crazy I tell ya. My friend told me, she has 4 boys mind you, that guilt starts from conception and you lose your mind. I sure hope not. I had my IUI on Saturday, and my good friend brought over some grape pucker and 7-up. I milked the drink that she gave me, not telling her that I'm in the 2ww, and then said how much I enjoyed it and would have to buy some. It was good, but I felt like I was doing something wrong. I know that I wasn't doing anything wrong. I wasn't even "pregnant" by that point. I hope that my day gets better now. I'm supposed to meet my girlfriend for lunch today. I hope she doesn't forget about me!

Symptoms?!?

Why is it that when you are in the 2ww, everything seems like a pregnancy symptom. I could have the same feelings leading up to O and not even realize it. But boy, put me in the 2ww and I have every pregnancy symptom alive and then some. Funny how that works, huh. Right now I'm sitting in my office, with too much time on my hands. I feel a pinching sensation on my left ovary and I have this almost full feeling after drinking some hawaiian punch (which I have to add I have craved for 2 days now). Never had heartburn in my life, that I'm aware of, so I wouldn't attribute it to that. Will I ever be normal again? When I am preggers what will I have to obsess about then? Feeling or not feeling the baby move? Lack of symptoms? Stopping my progesterone too early? Poor Ryan and mom. Boy have they put up with a lot from me during this hormone roller coaster. I'm scared to hear what the doctor will say is our next step is this time doesn't take. Don't get me wrong, I still tell myself every morning and every night that I'm pregnant. Like Michelle said, if you tell yourself you're going to have a bad day then you will. I'm taking her advice on that one.

On to more exciting things. I just got email about an upcoming crop that my mom and I signed up for. It turns out we paid $30 and now the crop is free. So I have a store credit and believe me...I'm spending every last dime of it! I'll be a cropping feen by the end of the month. I have one on the 23rd and then another on the 30th, which I might add starts spring break for us. WOO HOO!

My mom won big and rich tickets last night! I can't believe it. I'm so geeked. They are doing a free show in our area and only giving away 1000 tickets. So mom and I, plus 998 of our closest friends, will be partying at a local bar on Monday.

Save a horse....ride a cowboy!

Tick tock what a sllllooooowww clock!

I can't believe how slow the clock is moving during this 2ww. Here it is, 4dpiui. Whoopee.....only 10 more days to go. I am feeling pretty good. Last night I had some af like cramps and this morning I have some tightness in my tummy area, both which I attribute to the progesterone. It is way too early to be having pregnancy symptoms. I'm sure that I'll be obsessing about those next week.

Michelle just got her BFP....I'm so excited for her! I have been studying her chart and ours look pretty similar. So much so, it is scary. Good things come to those who wait. I have to remember that. Her road has been just as long as mine and I can't imagine how much joy she must be feeling right now. I'm over the top excited for her. She will be a good mommy. I can't wait until it is my turn. I want to be a mommy so badly!

I fell today!

I can't believe it. Here I am trying to be all careful and I totally go and fall. Ding dang it all! I didn't fall on my stomach or on my bottom, but I fell forward and caught myself with my hand. I can't believe that I did that. It is hard for me to slow down sometimes, when I get excited or feel a little stress....which is what happened today. I know that it is really early on, but cut me some slack here. The progesterone must be giving me weird side effects. I feel like my uterus and ovaries are trying to claw their way out of me. Since I fell it has subsided a little bit. I know I need to relax, take it easy, but that is hard for me to do. Whew! Ok.....breathe in, and exhale. Maybe a little yoga would help me to relax.

2dpIUI....

So here I am, 2dpIUI and I am already dreaming about having a baby in my arms. I just can't wait to find out if I'm preggers or not. I have been taking my temp this month, so hopefully I will be able to see by my chart if I am or not. I am doing better than I thought I would be. I just keep telling myself that I'm pregnant and that we are adding to the family. I found Ryan in the spare bedroom looking things over this weekend. I asked him what he was doing and he told me that he was looking at how we could fit a crib in the room. I said "A crib?" when he looked at me I knew I better not be hoping too much for twins. I would love that though. Having 2 babies at the same time. How cool would that be?

I can't help but obsess, so here it goes. I have been having this weird pinching sensation in my right ovary today. Nothing too painful, but just enough to notice that it is there. I'm not sure if that is from the progesterone or not, but am hoping that it is pregnancy related. I just keep the happy thoughts coming and can't help but think that I'm going to have a November baby.



I didn't sleep very well last night, so I'm heading home for an afternoon nap. I think I have a few minutes before Ryan is do home and if I'm sleeping when he gets there, then he will let me sleep. The only down fall with that is I probably won't sleep again tonight. I have been taking benadryl to sleep and help with my allergies now for too long. I don't think that I can sleep on my own very easily anymore.

I triggered!

Well I went to the doc on Thursday morning and I have 6 eggs. 3 of which were ready to go. The biggest one was 16mm, I believe, which didn't seem very big too me. I was hoping that they would keep me on my meds until Saturday and then do the IUI on monday or tuesday, but the nurse thought I was ready enough. She didn't want any of the other eggs getting bigger. I would rather have had 4 good size eggs, but they can still grow a little before they I ovulate. So the plan was to trigger me last night, which we did at 11:00....poor Ryan had to be woke up. He was snoring pretty good at that point. He is such a trooper though. He can do it in his sleep...which I think he did last night. Everytime he pokes me with a needle he says "Oh, honey....I'm sorry!" like it hurts me. I don't even feel it anymore. After 8 months of having shots, I'm a pro at receiving them. I wanted to time the shot at exactly (or as close to) the time of the IUI. I think that I trigged too early last month, so this month I wanted to make sure we were right on. Ryan has to work tomorrow, so mom is going to come with me. We are going to shop a little before hand and then it is right home for me and off to bed. Mom's orders! I am so excited about this cycle, that I can't even put it into words. I just know that this is it for us. We have all the stars lined up and ready to go. I will need a padded room if this doesn't work.

I was supposed to go scrapbooking with my good friend tomorrow. I feel badly about canceling and need to confess my sins. I told her that my mom needed to go to the doctor and that she didn't know what they were going to do. So I said I would take her and that my dad was in meetings all morning. I haven't told her about any of the IUI's yet and the fact that we are really really trying. There are 2 reasons for that. The first one is that I don't want to have to answer the dreaded question about whether the old hag is here or not. I already have to deal with the disappointment Ryan and I feel and then letting my mom know that once again she won't be a grandma. The other reason is that she keeps telling her husband that they need to start trying again. She has had 3 confirmed m/c and I don't want her to feel the rush to get preggers because I am. It's not that I don't want her pregnant, I just want her to have a baby for the right reasons. Not because I'm having one. Her marriage was on rocky ground for awhile and it was because she was baby obsessed. I don't want that to happen again. It's a good thing she doesn't know about my blog.......I think she would be steamed at me. I am being honest. I don't want her to have a baby because we are having one. I want it to be something that is right for the both of them.

Anyhoo, I will leave on that note and only think positive thoughts. Sorry about my meltdown the other day. As you can see....I'm myself again. Boy those hormones sure did a thing or 2 to me. Keep everything crossed for me and say a little prayer for me about tomorrow. Pray that I may be a baby making machine!