Struggle...

I have been gone for awhile. Partly because I haven't felt the desire to type about the last few months. Dwelling on feelings and emotions has been my theme lately. Those emotions and feelings aren't the best kind to be dwelling on. The other part is plain laziness. I just haven't felt like updating. For some reason, as I sit here tonight, I feel the need to express my emotions.

The end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011 has been a struggle. There was good struggle and bad struggle. The good struggle was when to begin the process of adding to the family. Figuring out a "time" that would work for us and then going ahead with the plan. I picked up the phone many times in 2009 and 2010, intending to call the baby doctor to get the train rolling. For whatever reason, I never followed through with that phone call until October of 2010. If you followed my blog back in the day (when I would actually post), you remember the process I had to go through to get our little buglet. 8 IUI's, 2 miscarriages and then switching of doctors brought us our miracle that will be 3 in just a few days. Philip was our lucky 9th IUI, un-medicated and very much unexpected. We love him so much and can't imagine life without him. He is worth every ounce of debt we incurred to get him. I would do it 10 times over!

Now let's get back to that October 2010 phone call. I called our doctor and met with him in early October. Started my period on October 22 had my HSG on October 29th and our 10th IUI on November 4th. On November 14th (Ryan's Birthday) I found out I was pregnant. Our 10th IUI had worked. WHAT?!?! It couldn't have!! I had my blood drawn and on 14dpo my beta was only 57. The doctor was concerned and said the number was low, along with my progesterone, and we would repeat again in a couple days. Well at 18dpo, my beta was over 300 and was doing exactly what they wanted it to do. We went for our ultrasound at 6 weeks, saw the heartbeat and was told that our small fry was behind in growth. He called for a repeat ultrasound the beginning of December, to check progress as he was concerned with small fry being a day or 2 behind. We went for our ultrasound and low and behold, the baby had made up the difference and then some. Small fry was a fighter! We got the ok to tell everyone and decided that Christmas would be the day to tell. I made scrapbooks for people and let it be the last gift they opened. Everyone was excited and sad that we had waited to tell them. Once I explained everything was ok, and that things weren't going as planned at first, they understood. I had my final ultrasound scheduled for December 30th from my RE. I was nervous as Ryan was going to stay home with Philip and just my mom and I were going to go. I kept asking him if he was sure and he kept telling me small fry was ok and he wouldn't miss another ultrasound. I will never forget December 30, 2010. That was the day that we had learned that small fry's heart had stopped beating. I should have been 10 weeks pregnant. I should have been given the clearance to not come back. I should not have had to call my husband to tell him that our baby was no longer with us, but in heaven. I should have been walking out of the office with another picture of our beautiful baby. Instead I walked out of the office with the biggest pit in my stomach and a huge hole in my heart.

I had a D&E scheduled for Tuesday January 4, 2011. I had to remain "pregnant" for 5 days after I found out my baby had gone to heaven. Those were the absolute worst days of my life. The struggles to get pregnant and then the pain of yet another failed cycle couldn't even come close to the pain I felt after losing small fry.

I will continue the story.....right now the pain is too much for me. :-(