Wackyland, population 1

I have taken up temporary residence in wackyland. It's a place I don't visit very often, but when I do I don't enjoy my stay. I have noticed a common pattern associated with my visits....usually during the times I am in the dreaded TWOH. I wish that I could just let myself feel pregnant. But I can't, won't not sure which. I just know that I'm scared if I let myself feel that way I will end up in a world of hurt from the long fall. I have wanted and dreamed and hoped of being a mom for so long it doesn't seem like it could really be happening to me. Why now? Why not the other 8 times? Why not the times when i had 6+ eggs? This time there is only 1 egg. What makes this time so special? Why would our new doc be able to help me get pregnant after only 1 IUI? I could go on and on like this for days. I'm just tired of disappointing Ryan and my family everytime I don't get pregnant. I can see the hurt in Ryan's eyes when it doesn't take. I can also see the dollar signs fading from money we have pissed away. :) I just don't know why now I would be able to be pregnant. I have tried for so many months that I just feel like I'm not worthy. Heartache has been a part of my ttc life for so long I don't know any thing different. I'm scared to let myself become attached to the possability of being pregnant, when I know that if I'm not I will have to pick myself up again and try to put the pieces back together. How many times can a broken heart be healed?