Wackyland, population 1

I have taken up temporary residence in wackyland. It's a place I don't visit very often, but when I do I don't enjoy my stay. I have noticed a common pattern associated with my visits....usually during the times I am in the dreaded TWOH. I wish that I could just let myself feel pregnant. But I can't, won't not sure which. I just know that I'm scared if I let myself feel that way I will end up in a world of hurt from the long fall. I have wanted and dreamed and hoped of being a mom for so long it doesn't seem like it could really be happening to me. Why now? Why not the other 8 times? Why not the times when i had 6+ eggs? This time there is only 1 egg. What makes this time so special? Why would our new doc be able to help me get pregnant after only 1 IUI? I could go on and on like this for days. I'm just tired of disappointing Ryan and my family everytime I don't get pregnant. I can see the hurt in Ryan's eyes when it doesn't take. I can also see the dollar signs fading from money we have pissed away. :) I just don't know why now I would be able to be pregnant. I have tried for so many months that I just feel like I'm not worthy. Heartache has been a part of my ttc life for so long I don't know any thing different. I'm scared to let myself become attached to the possability of being pregnant, when I know that if I'm not I will have to pick myself up again and try to put the pieces back together. How many times can a broken heart be healed?

I don't know what to think! Welcome to Insanity!

I am at a lost for words. I am actually thinking I may be preggers. How could that be though? I have been through 8 IUI's now and 1 for sure took and ended in miscarriage, but I was medicated for that one. I'm wasn't medicated this cycle. I only had 1 egg. Is that good odds.....having just 1 egg? There were a few cycles where I had 7 eggs and didn't get pregnant. How could 1 do it? Here is what I'm feeling so far:

Irritable
Sleep deprived
Constipated
Twinges and pulling sensations in my belly
Backache
Headache
Bloated
Weird taste in my mouth

I think that about covers it. Is it possible that I could be pregnant? Ryan is determined that I am, but I'm scared to believe that pregnancy is possible for us. I had the urge to pee on something this morning.....so I used an OPK. There were 2 lines, only 1 was fainter than the other. I have heard that some people use OPK's as early pregnancy predictors. I shouldn't have 2 lines anymore on an OPK.....should I?

Tammy if you are reading this would you send me an invite to your blog....pretty please! :)

IUI #9

Thought I would take a moment and document this journey so far. We met with our new doc for the first time in July. We decided that I was too far along in my cycle to try that month. We would wait for my period to come and then I would call and set up my appointment. I got the lovely witch on August 7. Let the obsessing begin! I was scheduled for my HSG on August 16. I went to the doc and had an u/s which showed I had a 17mm follicle on my left ovary. It is funny because my right ovary doesn't work unless it is super stimmed. On clomid, only my left ovary worked. The doc said it was probably just a fluke, but I thought it was weird. So we went ahead with the HSG and he told me that I my cycle would be a little goofed up this month. He predicted that I would O over the weekend, due to follicle size, and that we would have to wait until next cycle again. I told him straight out that I wasn't going to O until that Monday and that this cycle wasn't a bust for me. He laughed and said "Ok" and scheduled an appointment for me on Monday. I took OPK's all weekend and had started my surge on Friday. Saturday and Sunday produced no positive surge. So I was worried. But sure enough on Monday, there it was. The wonderful Smilie face. I was surging.

I went to the doc that morning proud of myself that I knew my body so well. He performed the u/s and said the follicle was huge and that we would go ahead with the IUI if I wanted. Didn't need to ask me twice, I was on board. He wouldn't tell me sperm counts, as he said they were fine and numbers wasn't something I needed to worry about. I was instructed to come back on Tuesday to see if I had infact O'd. That evening I was watching TV with Ryan and had a sharp pain on my left side. It lasted a few minutes and then went away. I knew I had just O'd. That was almost 5 hours after my IUI so hopefully the guys were all lined up and ready to go. I keep teasing Ryan that the guys are chasing their tails, and by the time they reach the egg they have forgotten what they are there for. I went back to the doc on Tuesday morning feeling absolutely sick to my stomach. What if I hadn't O'd? He had just started the u/s and I turned away, I couldn't look at the screen. He didn't say anything and finally I had to look over at the screen. There was no follie. I O'D! He said if this cycle doesn't take...which it will take....then same procedure next month just no HSG. I'm going to be med's free when I get preggers.

I haven't looked up my due date, which I do every cycle, because I have decided not to try and be obsessive. I noticed though that he had already calculated it on my chart. 05-20-2008 Our anniversary is May 22 and Ryan's dad was born on May 25. I have always wanted a little boy so that his dad would have a namesake. Ryan's dad died 9 years ago this christmas. When I saw what he had down for my EDD I had tears in my eyes. I hope that I'm not jinxing myself this cycle by laying this all out there. I sometimes feel like if I say too much out loud it won't come true. I know that life doesn't work that way, but it sure can feel like it.

All aboard for the TWOH!

All aboard who's coming aboard. Train destination....TWOH, Insanityland. Trip should take two weeks of ups downs and sideways motion followed by pure bliss or extreme depression.

I can't believe it.....I'm back in the TWW again. Wow have I misseed it....not! I am officially 1dpo and am feeling very optomistic. I love my new doctor. He is wonderful and I don't know why I didn't make this change sooner. He is extremly happy and upbeat about chances. I just wish I could blink my eyes and be done with the TWW. My goal is to not get so excited and pee happy this time. I'm not so sure I can stick to it, but I will give it my best. School is starting for me, so that will help take my mind off of baby making for a little while and help me focus my energy elsewhere. I need to do that. Just relax and let fate deal me my hand. If you stick around with me for the duration of the 2 weeks I will deny that I wrote this and will probably erase it, because let's face it ladies.....I've never been one to relax and be patient. I can sure try though!

I'm back in the saddle again.....

I can't believe it......we are back in the game. After long discussions with Ryan we decided to change doctors. Our new doc participates with our health insurance, which our other doc didn't. I like his new approach to things and am excited to get started. I have renewed faith and hope with this cycle....unlike the others. I get an HSG on Thursday and then IUI next week sometime. We are going with a natural cycle this month, which is something new for us. We have never done a natural cycle. I need to go buy some smilies so I can get ready to use those as I get closer to my surge. I'm scared. I know myself all too well and just know that I will end up obsessing and wanting to pee on everything I see. I just hope that I can contain myself enough to not do that and just go with the flow. School will be starting soon and that should take my mind off of it while I'm there. When I'm at home, that is another story. I haven't updated this for awhile, so I will try and stay on top of it now that I'm actually in the running again.

It's about time....

I found this on Aradia's website....I just couldn't resist. I do have to say though...."I'm not as nerdy as she is...humph!" I think I darn near guessed on every question. I have been reading other's blogs for a few weeks now, but not updating my own. So I thought I would take the time to do that today. If you believe that, then I have some oceanfront property I would love to sell you in Arizona. My life has been way too full these days. I will start with something I saw on different blogs.......

I AM...

* I am a wife, a daughter and a friend.....one day I hope to add mom to that.

* I am a dreamer. I find myself dreaming about places I would like to go or things I would like to do someday.

* I am a talker. If I'm not talking, then you know I must be sick!

* I am emotional and can have my feelings hurt too easy. I've tried working on that and so far, nothing has changed!

* I am a lover. I hate to see people fight and I wear my heart on my sleeve. This too has gotten me into trouble more than once. I married my high school sweetheart.

* I am strong willed. I don't take a lot from people before I will speak my mind. That sometimes gets me in trouble, if the people don't know me very well.

* I am an animal lover. I love all animals, except spiders. Spiders are the spawn of satan and deserve to die.

* I am afraid of spiders......and bridges. I will avoid a room in my house, if I know there is a spider on the wall or ceiling, until my husband comes home or Ryan. I even asked the UPS man to kill a spider for me once. You should have seen the look I got from him.........I think he was a spider in another life.

* I am a country music freak. I love the stuff and can't get enough concerts in. I go with my mom all the time.

* I am a clean person. I don't like to get dirty. I can't stand to plant things or pull weeds. It really is silly. How bad is it to get dirty?

* I am an outdoorswoman I enjoy fishing (but only clean fishing) with Ryan and we try to get out as much as possible.

I think that about covers me.

I'm still here!

I can't believe that I haven't been on in so long. Time just flies and everyday life seems to get in the way. I'm good, enjoying my break and waiting for summer. I have to say that I'm happy we took a break. I needed it more than I imagined. As much as I want to be a mommy, I know that my body needs time to readjust and I need time to myself to sort through my feelings and emotions. I am doing that. I'm taking time for myself. Easter was hard for me. That is when I was hoping we would be making our big announcement. I have decided to not make anymore plans for making big announcements. It is in my best interest. I would love a summer baby anyways. I mean really....I don't want to be preggers on the 90 degree 100% humidity days we get here in Michigan.....ok so not 8 or 9 months pregnant.

We have snow again! I couldn't believe it when I woke up on Saturday morning and there was 2 inches of that white nasty stuff. Give me a break. We had more snow for Easter than we had at Christmas. It is insane. The little pom in the picture is my fur-niece Foxy. She turns 11 months old today and she just loves the snow. She rolls around in it and just can't get enough of it. She is a blast to have around. The only bad part is Ryan is allergic to her, so she can't come over to my house unless we can stay outside. It really is too bad because she wants nothing more than to lick him and love on him. My cats hate her and would love nothing more than to scratch her eyes out.....good thing they don't have any claws!

We just got off of spring break and that only means one thing........9 MORE WEEKS OF SCHOOL! Yahoo! I can't wait. We started spring break with a halfday on the 29th, which was a Thursday. I was so stinken happy to see the kiddos leave I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face. I work in a middle school and boy oh boy is it tough. I don't like it, but it is a job and the market is tough around here in education. I came back refreshed and looking forward to June!

My last post I had that stupid virus that was going, still is, around. I wouldn't be a good wife if I didn't share it with Ryan. Boy did I share it. His asthma is so bad right now. Our doc had me buy a nebulizer when I couldn't stop coughing and he has been sucking on that thing. It works for a little while, but then he just goes back to coughing. Poor guy. He is riduclous to take care of. I mean honestly! He is a full grown 32 year old man....c'mon already! Anywho, Happy Monday and I promise not to be gone so long next time!