Why am I so scared?

I'm scared to death! There are m/c happening all around me and I'm so scared I'll be next. Do I follow my gut intuition or do I just ignore it? I'm beside myself these days. It seems like every pregnancy board I'm on there is a rash of women going through m/c and I just can't shake it. I know that I'm not the only pregnant woman to feel this way. I know also that I'm a natural worrier and that is something that I just never will get past. I'm so attached to this little buglet and I just can't imagine not holding and loving on my baby in May. I find myself rubbing my belly, without even knowing it, and becoming so attached to the thought of being a mommy finally. Is that wrong? I feel like I shouldn't tell anyone of my upcoming baby for fear that will be just one more person I have to tell that something happened. Am I wishing my baby away? Are my emotions normal? Ugh! Maybe once I start to feel buglet move around I will be able to find some sense of security. I'm hoping anyway. I find myself keeping all of these emotions bottled up inside because I'm afraid to speak them out loud.

Ok, enough today. I don't think that I can type anymore without getting myself all worked up. Tomorrow is another day, hopefully filled with happier thoughts.

My emotions are getting bad!

One minute I'm happy at everything in and loving being pregnant and the next minute I'm pissed off about something. Not sure what that something is half the time, but it is there and obviously bugging me. Then I start the guilty feeling and I start to feel like I'm going to cry. I feel guilty for those people that have been trying and trying to get preggers with no avail, even though I was one of those and still in many ways feel like we are still trying sometimes. I rub my belly and I long to meet my little buglet and hope that everything is going ok. I know that while I'm pregnant there will always be the worry if our buglet has a beating heart and moving and once they are born you have a whole other set of worries. I just want the worrying to stop. I want to scream that I'm pregnant to the world but them I'm afraid if something happens I will just have one more person to tell the story too. Aren't I just a ball of emotions today? I'm not sure what the problem is. I didn't sleep very well last night, that is probably part of it, but give me a break!

I rented a doppler to hear the baby's heartbeat, because according to my doctor I'm a PPW. In layman's terms that stands for pregnant paranoid woman. We got the doppler on Monday and I found the heartbeat within a minute. Same thing on Tuesday. Then on Wednesday my mom and dad came over to hear the baby and of course it took like 20 minutes to find the baby. I thought that Thursday would be a good day to try again, so try I did and after 30 minutes I was starting to get a little bit on edge. I gave up and Ryan reassured me that the baby is between 2 and 3 inches and has lots of hiding places in my tummy. He is right, thank god one of is rational these days. Lord knows I'm not! He got into the shower and being the PPW that I am I got out the doppler and laid down in bed. After 10 minutes I finally said "Ok baby can you please cut mommy a little slack here tonight?" 2 minutes later there was our little buglet just a bleeding away on the doppler. What a relief! The doppler we have has a screen that displays the heart rate. Last night the heart rate was in the mid 130's. I'm not sure how accurate the reading is just because the baby is so small.

Tomorrow we are off to a big Michigan/Michigan State party at Ryan's step-brother's house. I can't wait. The spartans are going to bring it tomorrow and those wolverines are going to walk off the field with their tails between their legs. Go Green! Betcha can't guess which team I'm rooting for? I have a MSU shirt that I put future spartan around my belly button with iron ons. I have some temp tattoos too. It's going to be great. I'll try to remember my digital so I can post some pictures of the fine event! Hopefully Monday I won't be eatting my words.

How can I have morning sickness now?

Can you believe it? I have morning sickness at 12 weeks. The good stuff, you know the kind that lasts all day long. It is just great! I have lost 4lbs. in the last week. Do you know how long I tried to lose weight and how hard it was for me before I was pregnant? It never worked. I now weigh less than I did before I got pregnant. I just hope that it is gone by next week, when I start my 2nd trimester. I feel bad for the women that have to suffer with this everyday. I couldn't imagine having to deal with it for long periods of time. That wouldn't be fun.

I wish my nesting would start. I'm actually finding myself without much energy these days, hoping that I can just get the strength to get out of bed and go to work. Why does just daily activity have to be so hard? I was in the shower yesterday when the nausea hit me hard. I knew I wasn't going to make it out of the shower. All I had that morning was a glass of water, so I didn't have much to get up thankfully. The whole time I'm in the shower, doing my thing, I have Ryan's voice in the back of my mind telling me "Remember honey you wanted to experience pregnancy at least once." Needless to say I was mad at him all day long. He really woudln't have said that to me, I don't think, unless he was trying to be funny. Then he might. When he came home from work I gave him the cold shoulder and of course he didn't know why. I told him, he laughed and then I was done. Isn't it something when your husband doesn't even have to be there and he can tick you off good. Must be telepathy.

Nasty weather last night!

Wow we had some really nasty weather last night for mid-October. There was lightening and heavy rain and even some hail. I can't remember the last time we had hail. My poor furbabies were scared to death. We had a crack of lightening hit really close and the babies went just flying all over the house. It scared me too. I had to round them all up and settle them down. They were under the bed and in the rafters and hidden in a box in the basement. My goodness it took at least a half hour to calm them down. Afterwards I had to chuckle a little bit at how funny it was to watch their reactions. The hail was visible on the ground. Snow at this time is not uncommon, but strong thunderstorms are. Here is a picture of Ryan picking up the hail and then some of the hail in his hand.





When I saw my OB she suggested I take my prenatal in the morning because I haven't been sleeping very well. I always took it at night because I heard it can make you sick to your stomach during the day. I decided to try her idea and I have to say I slept all night long. It was wonderful! The only problem, I forgot to take it this morning. My routine has been disrupted and now I have to find a new one. Why is change always so difficult. It doesn't matter if the change is small or big, it is still difficult. I'll just have to remind myself with a note on the cupboard or something. Here is a picture of our buglet at 9w2d measuring 25.8 mm in length. For those of you wondering that is 1 and 5/8 inches.....thanks honey for the conversion on that!

I just LOVE my OB!

She is so awesome and I'm really excited that I was placed under her care. Yesterday we had our first appointment with her. She has so much energy and excitement that it is almost contagious when you sit with her. She talked about things I needed to be prepared for like birthing classes, weight gain, u/s and picking out a doctor for the baby. She explained that every 4 weeks I will see her, unless something comes up and then it will be every 2 weeks. I'm sure that as I get closer to delivery it will probably be every 2 weeks. We have our big u/s at 20 weeks, which just happens to be christmas day. I asked if we could get the u/s a week early and she said no problem. Sure would be nice to tell people at christmas if the baby is a boy or girl. I can't wait to see my buglet again. I know we just had a peek on Friday, but so much has changed since then that the next time we peek the baby will be much much bigger. She explained that she would try to hear the heartbeat, if we wanted, but couldn't guarentee that she would be able to find it. The baby is only 2 inches long and she was using a doppler, externally, and the baby would be moving and hard to find. We heard the placenta pumping blood with a whooshing sound that wasn't consistently whooshing. That was very hard to hear. Then she found the baby, for a second and low and behold our buglet moved. Sounds familiar huh, did the same thing on Friday. She tried for a couple more minutes and then found it. Ryan jumped out of his chair to put his ear to the speaker to hear the little heart beating away. What a cool noise that was! She said we have a very audible little one.....I'm shocked! If he or she is anything like me, we are in for big trouble! Let's just say the only time I'm quiet is when I'm sleeping.....and even then I've been told I snore. Does that count? Anywho people now think the baby is a girl because she was audible. We'll see. I don't mind either way, as long as the baby is healthy. She told us about a couple of tests that we can get done to check on the baby for down's and other things. We declined. If the baby has down's, there is nothing we can do about it. We aren't going to abort the baby. That just isn't an option. We are completely happy with what God gives us and decided not too stress out about it. There are so many things they can't test for, like autism and ADHD, we just decided that not knowing is fine. We put our Faith in God and we will just go with that. She said I should have no problems having a natural delivery and that I should be fine to breast feed as long as my milk comes in. I was happy to hear that because I would like to try and breast feed. I know that nothing is for sure, but I would like to try and not use just strictly formula. We go back to see the doc on Ryan's birthday, November 14. Happy 33rd birthday to him......he will get to hear his little buglet's heartbeat!

D O U B L E D I G I T S!

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I'VE MADE IT DOUBLE DIGITS! Yeah! I'm 1/4 of the way done. I went out last night and bought myself my first pair of maternity khaki's. Koh.l's is having a buy 1 get 1 free sale. So I bought a black pair and a khaki pair. They fit great. I'm one of the lucky ones who shows right away. I haven't told school yet so I can only imagine they think I must be gaining weight. Ugh! I'm trying my best to hide it, but it just isn't working. I think that part of my bloat is from being constipated. Some of the things we take for granted.....like sleep and using the bathroom. Sleep is a whole other issue. I just can't get any at night and I'm so tired the next day that I feel like I can't function. I don't like taking a lot of things, but sometimes a girl needs to sleep. I have only had to deal with a few pregnancy symptoms so far, and I'm thankful for that, but the ones I have had to deal with haven't been fun. I can say that I haven't been sick, just at night for a little while, but nothing major like my family has gone through. Now the placenta has taken over, so I shouldn't be faced with headaches or nausea anymore. Yahoo! I need a day where I can just catch up on my sleep. I do have 82 sick days. Maybe I should just take 1 and then I would be able to catch up on my much needed sleep while Ryan is at work. Just my luck I would be so consumed with housework and watching daytime television I wouldn't get my sleep anyways.

We go to the doc tomorrow to listen to the heartbeat again. It was 174 on friday, so we'll see if it has slowed down or sped up any. She said that sometimes they have a hard time finding it early on. Since I just heard it I'm ok if they don't find it tomorrow. I'll still worry, but not as much as if I hadn't heard it yet. I'll post tomorrow what the heartrate is.

9 week u/s

Well our 9 week ultrasound went perfect. I didn't know that I should drink orange juice or something that would give the baby energy so it would move around a bunch. The baby did move, but not a bunch. When the doc was doing the ultrasound the baby was moving it's arms and legs and head and then turned it's body so that we couldn't get a good profile. Stubborn-ness runs on my dad's side, so I wouldn't be a bit surprised if this baby isn't stubborn. I'm at work, but will post a picture this week. I was so excited to see the baby moving. The heartrate was 174 bpm, so any guesses on the baby's gender? We are going to find out what we are having. I know that everyone thinks we shouldn't, but you know there are somethings that I just need to know. We have been trying for 30 months now to have a baby. Since we weren't able to plan that, the least we can do is plan the nursery. It's funny the things you take for granted in life when one thing becomes so consuming. For whatever reason, we were meant to have a baby in May. I'll take what i can get. It's so perfect because I will be able to end the school year on maternity leave. I have 82 days right now and I figure I will only need to take 35 of them. That gives me 7 weeks off. Basically I won't be back after spring break. I couln't have planned it anymore perfect if I tried.