Who needs christmas?!?

Christmas is for whimps! I am at my whits end with family (aka....mom's sister)! I am tired of shopping....tired of wrapping and tired of baking. Everyone expects something from me and I don't know how much more I have to give. My family needs this and Ryan's family needs that....UGH! I really should just be quiet and take a moment for myself and then maybe, just maybe, my attitude will change.....yeah right!

Ok, so I'm better now. I have a place to post where my family can't go and read things that I have written and I don't have to feel bad about saying things. It is nice to have a place where I can complain and the people that read it will now how I feel, because they too can sympathize.

My honey just called and he went out and got me christmas gifts. Isn't that so sweet. He puts so much thought into things and I just buy him crap every year. I am trying to get him something nice for christmas and am working towards that. I just feel bad that I don't have as much for him as I had hoped. We aren't going to celebrate until after christmas, which gives me time to hit a few sales post holiday.

Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

I feel like scroge!

I totally am not ready for christmas and feel like crap! I have so much to do and not enough time to do it in. It seems like every year I get stuck in the same rut. Or maybe it has just been the last 2 chirstmas's because we have been ttc and each year I thought we would have a little one to buy for. I shouldn't be upset over silly little things, right? My time will come to be a mom.

One thing that I have found comforting is knowing that other people are trying too and not getting preggers. I know that kind of sounds mean, that I have this "I have been trying longer than you have" attitude. I really don't mean it like that at all. I am hoping that everyone gets the chance to get that first BFP! I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Ok so maybe I would because they all seem to be fertile myrtles! Enough with the depressing, grouchy talking.....IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME!

I hope that I have everyone pretty much done. I have a few people left to finish, but those gatherings aren't until after Christmas, so I'm good yet. I have my friend's kiddos to buy for yet, but will hit the sales after christmas so I can buy them a little bit more. I can be cheap like that, but heah....the kids don't care cause they are getting more then. Ryan and I are doing our christmas after christmas. He hasn't had a day off from work since the monday after Thanksgiving. He has been working 12 hours a day, 7 days a week now with no break. I feel really bad for him. He tries to stay awake and attentive, but it just doesn't work for him. He is having shut down starting on Saturday, so that will be nice to have him around for a little while. We can actually act like married folk. That hasn't happened in months now.

Well I don't think I have much more to say. My sister is really sick right now and she is supposed to take a final tonight. Poor thing. Mom had to call the prof to let him know that it wasn't going to work. The 48 hour flu bug is going around right now and it isn't pretty. I went to see her yesterday, to give her liquid tylenol and some gatorade, with a mask on. I breezed in and breeezed right out. With me trying to get preggers, the last thing I need is the flu!

I will try and keep this thing up to date. I have not been doing very good at that!

I can barely stand it!

I am so very excited to see AF this month, I can barely stand it. I hope that she arrives right on schedule and I can get the shots going again. I have never wanted to see her ugly face before. This is my cycle.....it is going to take. I can't go through another month of it not working, and I won't have too. I will be having a september baby ,folks. I just need to keep up this positive attitude that I had when we did IUI #1, 2 and maybe 3....after that I was just plain depressed. I think that my new lucky number is 7!

I had a fortune cookie last Saturday, with my meal, and I was overly excited when I read it. I always look at them, don't always believe them, but atleast read them. My fortune read "You will soon gain something you have always wanted." It is true that Christmas is right around the corner, but I don't think that is what this fortune is going for. I have wanted a baby far longer than I have wanted that silly kitchen aide. So I will tuck my fortune away in my change purse and keep it with me always. Someday I will pull it out again when I need my good luck charm.....maybe for baby #2.

I am so very happy that it is the weekend, but not very happy that I have to work the whole weekend. I can do it though. I have faith and I won't be getting down on myself for awhile again. I have the strength to change my future and change is what I'm going to do. No more crying wife when her husband comes home from work. We will be parents someday soon and I have the power to change my attitude on life. I won't need to worry about meds next month, I have all that I will need!

It's only Thursday!

Yuck! It is only thursday.....what a stinken long week. I'm not sure how I made it through the week without going bonkers. I think it is just because we are so close to the end of the year and christmas.....and I am no where near done shopping yet. It is getting to be a little bit sad. I do this every year, and each time I say I won't do it the next, yet here I am again.....in the same place. I know part of it is because of my surgery. That set me back for a little while. I will get through it, I do every year, but it sure doesn't make the holidays any fun.

I went to the doc earlier this week and he gave me some really good news. The lap went really well and he was pleased with what he was able to accomplish. He found some endo on my right ovary and took that out. I didn't even know that I had any and was shocked when he said I did. I thought I would have known that I had it, but apparently not. He also was able to remove a good sized cyst from my right tube. He said it was down almost wher the tube meets up with my uterus. He said it was acting like a catcher's mit and weighting my tube down. Now I am completely free of any medical reasons why I'm not getting preggers. So back on the meds I go and we will try this another time. Hopefully it will take in the next 2 months, that is all the meds I have right now. Just enough for 2 months. I shouldn't say hopefully.....I should say it will take this month. I have found a new sense of hope and have faith in myself and Ryan that this will be the month. I'm not going to jinx myself and ever look ahead to what would be the "possible" due date. That just makes it harder on me when it doesn't take. We are just going to let nature take it's course and if it is meant to be, it will be. I have to keep remembering that we aren't alone in this journey and are being guided from above. As the plaque on my wall reads...."God doesn't give us what we can handle God helps us handle what we are given"....I read it everyday and am trying to re-find my faith again.

Ta-ta for now!
Mom2Be

Oh my goodness!

Thank goodness the procedure is done! I don't know that I would have done it I had I known what it would be like. It was awful! Ryan couldn't get the day off, neither could mom, so dad took me. My list was getting shorter and shorter of possible people to take me. Thankfully his job is flexible enough that he could break away from the grind to take his terrified daughter in for an excruitiating procedure. He didn't do a very good job in listening though. That was his one job....listen to what the doctor has to say, aside from taking me there and bringing me home again.

Ugh!

Got the call today I wasn't ready for. Looks like I'm going to have a Lap done tomorrow afternoon. I'm scared to death to be put under, which to me seems silly. It is just a procedure to check and see if everything is ok and to find out why I can't get pregnant. They say it is a little uncomfortable, but shouldn't be too bad pain wise. I'm just hoping that we will be able to find out if everything is ok. I am amazed at some of the things women are willing to do to get pregnant today. I'm not sure how far I'm willing to go before I will throw in the towel. My body is tired already and I haven't been at this that long.

We have 6 IUI's under our belt. In October, we found out we were preggers only to have it end in an early miscarriage. Then nothing in November and we took December off due to cysts. I'm really hoping that we can try in January and February for sure and will be able to have a baby before the end of 2007. February will mark the 2 year point in our TTC journey. I have friends having babies and others trying to have a baby. It would be nice to be able to tell them that we are having a baby too. I already know how I will be telling everyone. I just need the chance to do it.

I am going to try and write more and keep this site up to date. It is way for me to heal and a way for me to express my feelings without bombarding Ryan with everything. I just wish that he would tell me more and not keep everything bottled up inside. I don't think he feels I can handle what he has too say. It couldn't be that bad, could it?

I'm not sure I can take it anymore!

Here it is Friday morning, Ryan is getting paid today and I have very little on my work load. You would think I would be happy, right? WRONG! I am tired and an emotional wreck. I just can't seem to shake this "why me?" mentality that I have. I'm just so confused and upset and distraught that I don't even know where to begin to get myself together. I keep telling myself to "shape up!", but it just isn't working. I know better than to get down on myself, but I still do it every stinken day. Will I ever get better?

I went to the doctor today, for my yearly check-up, and was kind of hoping that she would give me something to cheer myself up. She didn't. She thinks that I'm "normal" and that this too shall pass. What if she isn't right? What if I'm doomed to a life with no children? Would God really do that too me? I'm beginning to think that he would. The question still remains though, why? Am I that terrible of a person that I don't deserve to be a mother? Did I do something wrong when I was younger? Did I wait too long to start to have kids? I don't even know where to begin to put my feelings in order. I keep coming to the same place in my life, the same fork in the road, and don't know which path to take or where to turn. The road is vacant and there is no one there to direct me and I am lost. How pathetic does that sound?

I am midway through my cycle right now and I think that is part of my problem. I am due for AF next Saturday. The holiday's are approaching and I really wanted to make the surprise "guess who's pregnant?" annoucement. Looks like that isn't going to happen. I have to take this cycle off, after undergoing 6 consecutive IUI attempts, due to 2 huge cysts on my right ovary. We go back to the doctor on the 30th to see what the plan of attack will be. I don't want to undergoe IVF, it is way too expensive and we can't afford it. Plain and simple, if that is our only option for being parents then it ain't going to happen.