March?

I can't believe that it is going to be March 1 tomorrow. Where has the year gone? I just looked at the calender and spring break starts in 1 month. I can't believe it. Time is sure flying. I feel like I just started this whole ttc journey, and tomorrow marks month 25. As I type this I find myself in tears. I'm upset because I feel like it will never happen, we have been trying now for 25 months, I can feel my eggs growing (the meds make my ovaries tender and my lower back sore) and I'm wondering if one of those eggs will be a newborn, that my husband loves me enough that he is willing to endure this process until I can't take it anymore or we are successfull, I was looking at T-shirts announcing pregnancy and wondering if I will be able to buy one for easter. Is that enough reasons to cry? I'm sure I can come up with a few more. The only one that seems legit to me is the fact that I have a wonderful husband who loves me and gives me the strength to keep going month after month. I don't know how some of you can do this on your own. I can't even muster up the courage to look at a pregnancy test after I have piddled on it anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I'm really strong enough to keep going. Just last month I was gun ho about trying again.....and now I'm just plain scared to death. I can't keep doing this. Maybe it is just the meds making my hormones go all wacko on me. I just keep looking at everything, trying to grasp for straws and finding the reasons why it should finally work for us. Not only the facts about Ryan's family all getting pregnant in February, but the fact that I was supposed to start my period on February 18 and I held out until the 22nd, giving me a due date of November 29. I never thought I was a superstitious, and often used to tease my grandma because she is. She puts pennies in her shoes that she finds on the ground, but only picks them up if the penny is heads up. Now I find myself searching for any glimpse of a sign that I can find. I can't help but dwell on the what if's. Why will this time work and the other 7 didn't? Why does this have to hurt so much? My mom tells me not to dwell on it, not let it consume my life so much, but that is easier said than done. I yearn, long, ache to be a mom. I want to hear the newborn cry in the middle of the night, feel a baby moving inside of me, go for the ultrasound that shows a beating heart in my womb. Am I crazy? I feel better now that I have let some of my emotions go. I have decided to not tell any of my close friends that we are going ahead this month. It just gets too hard listening to them tell me I'm pregnant, when I know I'm not. I want to be able to surprise people and then not have the "so, are you?" at the end of the month. Now that I have put myself into a really sad mood, I think I will sign off for the day. I go for my ultrasound tomorrow to see how my eggies are doing and will find out the date of the IUI. If it is Tuesday, March 6 I will go nutso. That is the day of my dad's birthday. Just my luck that will jinx me.